Transcript from a Hacked Telephone

A crackling telephone line. Sometime in 2007.

DAVE. So Andy, you'd like this job?

ANDY. It's a very generous offer.

DAVE. Before we go ahead, there's just one thing I have to ask you.

ANDY. Go on.

DAVE clears his throat.

DAVE. Is there anything we should know?

ANDY. I'm sorry?

DAVE. Is there anything we should know? Anything we could find - you know - useful - to know

Now rather than later?

ANDY. Are you asking if I'm gay?

DAVE. Good grief, no. We're quite comfortable with that. 

I mean, you know, make a few homophobic statements here and there just to even it out...

ANDY. Of course.

DAVE. But no, that's not what I was driving at. I was -

ANDY. I'm not.

DAVE. What?

ANDY. Gay. I'm not gay.

DAVE. Good. 

I mean, I don't care

But good.

No, what I was -

ANDY. And I'm not even racist.

DAVE. Even better. We can't have that.

I once met a black man in Plymouth, you know. It was in all the papers.

ANDY. Yes, we invented him for you.

DAVE. So you did. Could we use that in an election campaign, do you think?

ANDY. We seem to be drifting off the point.


DAVE. I do struggle with staying focused. It's what makes me dynamic.

ANDY. What were you driving at, Dave?

DAVE. What I was driving at was – 

I know you press chappies –

what I was driving at was, 

is there anything you've done as part of your professional role at News International that we could do with knowing?

ANDY. Erm.

DAVE. Take as long as you need.


A long pause in the recording, punctuated only by the sound of either or both eating crisps.


ANDY. We used to illegally hack into people's phones in order to get stories. 

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

DAVE. That's exactly the sort of thing I mean. That's exactly the sort of thing we need to know. You're exactly the sort of man we need. You're hired.

ANDY. Great.

DAVE. Just don't fucking tell anyone.